Well, the marking's done for the year,
And I should heave a sigh...
Yet, with happiness so near,
I still don't know why,
I am very near a cry.
And it's not that I am sad...
I'm not far from feeling Glad.
It might be that I am getting on,
In years and some sorts of experience.
It has been days since I just let my fingers part the webs of my mind, peek in, sift out, extract and write. These days I am fully occupied, which is a good thing in many ways, it is. The mind has less time to dream and fantasise. I don't really dream of faraway places, bridges with flowers, gardens and bowers anymore...I don't have crushes on imaginary people, or historical or fictional characters anymore. That part of me has been lost forever. And I am sad. Maybe this is the signal that I have grown up. I scolded myself out of fantasising about a year ago, and told myself that I should ready myself for the 'Real.' Little did I realise that whether we like it or not, we WILL be confronted by the 'Real,' that we always have been. It's just that the dream world, the parallel universe of the mind which we inhabited allowed us to escape into the fleeting world of Fantasy, if only for a while...a place safe and secure from the reach of all things Real, where the world really "WAS MY IDEA." Anyway, I let it go, and though shreds of this prior skill do curl like broken tendrils around the corners of my mind, it is predominantly a lost craft.
Often, I feel like I crave reality...and I have had to swallow many bitter pills and drink glasses of bitter gall...howver, life has also held up overflowing cups of Jasmine (Greeene) tea, with just the right amount of Honey to my lips, more often than not...I feel more meditative, more contemplative, and if I may also say, more spiritual...more anchored in faith and realisation...I have also learnt to come to terms with myself on many more levels...my personality, my own character, my national identity, my ethnic characteristics...I have let go those pet peeves I might have had, I have taught myself to be geuninely thankful and grateful for Life's Blessings...and to learn, to really learn from the smattering of Not-So-Pleasant experiences I have witnessed...as I grow, I strive to endeavour in this continuous process of soul-searching, soul-doctoring and soul cleansing...besides which, life has been good.
Durga Puja made its annual visit to the delighted Bengali soul...and this year, I was more at peace with myself in Singapore. The last year, I had missed home so dreadfully...I missed home very much this year too, but a part of me has also buried a little root here, to make me feel more anchored...though I think of Kolkata as my home everyday and I often wonder what the term really means.
Home. Does it literally mean a house? Well, I do miss the physical comfort my homes in Cal offer me...I miss the over-stuffed sofas, the familiar bed, the rugs, the carpets, the so-familiar utensils, the floors...but most of all, ofcourse I miss the memories evoked by physical closeness to the places where they were created I miss the people, I miss being in the close physical proximity of my family. I look forward to my vacations but am always sobered by the fact that a vacation needs must come to an end...but what is never-ending in life anyway, apart from Life itself?
I am being increasingly drawn to Rabindrashangeet these days...and am putting my Smartphone to optimum use...
And I have resumed reading...not as copiosuly as of yore, but when time permits...
And I should heave a sigh...
Yet, with happiness so near,
I still don't know why,
I am very near a cry.
And it's not that I am sad...
I'm not far from feeling Glad.
It might be that I am getting on,
In years and some sorts of experience.
It has been days since I just let my fingers part the webs of my mind, peek in, sift out, extract and write. These days I am fully occupied, which is a good thing in many ways, it is. The mind has less time to dream and fantasise. I don't really dream of faraway places, bridges with flowers, gardens and bowers anymore...I don't have crushes on imaginary people, or historical or fictional characters anymore. That part of me has been lost forever. And I am sad. Maybe this is the signal that I have grown up. I scolded myself out of fantasising about a year ago, and told myself that I should ready myself for the 'Real.' Little did I realise that whether we like it or not, we WILL be confronted by the 'Real,' that we always have been. It's just that the dream world, the parallel universe of the mind which we inhabited allowed us to escape into the fleeting world of Fantasy, if only for a while...a place safe and secure from the reach of all things Real, where the world really "WAS MY IDEA." Anyway, I let it go, and though shreds of this prior skill do curl like broken tendrils around the corners of my mind, it is predominantly a lost craft.
Often, I feel like I crave reality...and I have had to swallow many bitter pills and drink glasses of bitter gall...howver, life has also held up overflowing cups of Jasmine (Greeene) tea, with just the right amount of Honey to my lips, more often than not...I feel more meditative, more contemplative, and if I may also say, more spiritual...more anchored in faith and realisation...I have also learnt to come to terms with myself on many more levels...my personality, my own character, my national identity, my ethnic characteristics...I have let go those pet peeves I might have had, I have taught myself to be geuninely thankful and grateful for Life's Blessings...and to learn, to really learn from the smattering of Not-So-Pleasant experiences I have witnessed...as I grow, I strive to endeavour in this continuous process of soul-searching, soul-doctoring and soul cleansing...besides which, life has been good.
Durga Puja made its annual visit to the delighted Bengali soul...and this year, I was more at peace with myself in Singapore. The last year, I had missed home so dreadfully...I missed home very much this year too, but a part of me has also buried a little root here, to make me feel more anchored...though I think of Kolkata as my home everyday and I often wonder what the term really means.
Home. Does it literally mean a house? Well, I do miss the physical comfort my homes in Cal offer me...I miss the over-stuffed sofas, the familiar bed, the rugs, the carpets, the so-familiar utensils, the floors...but most of all, ofcourse I miss the memories evoked by physical closeness to the places where they were created I miss the people, I miss being in the close physical proximity of my family. I look forward to my vacations but am always sobered by the fact that a vacation needs must come to an end...but what is never-ending in life anyway, apart from Life itself?
I am being increasingly drawn to Rabindrashangeet these days...and am putting my Smartphone to optimum use...
And I have resumed reading...not as copiosuly as of yore, but when time permits...
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